PEI–In an unprecedented development, thousands of drunk-dialers across the country are calling people everywhere and at all hours of the night.
“This is no joke,” PhD Drunk-Dialer Walt Blackman told throngs of reporters gathered outside the Drunk-Dialing Academy of Higher Learning (DDAHL) in downtown Montague late last night. “Clearly these callers are searching for a higher level of consciousness. And they know it can be obtained through proper drunk-dialing.”
“I was still getting dozens of calls at five in the morning last night,” Blackman said. We’re talking about a diligent group of hard-working people here. This trend is moving faster than a viral tweet.”
According to Blackman, the volume of calls, which started about two weeks ago, has been rapidly increasing. “Now, our phones have gotten so busy I’ve hired six new switchboard operators who are working around the clock trying to answer and even make sense of them,” he said.
He said the increase in calls is due to two things; one, a recent surge of new applicants for the ever-popular Drunk-Dialing 101 course which has been around so long it even pre-dates Christ. Two, the increase has a lot to do with the Labour Day Long Weekend. “People are anxious to start drunk-dialing whenever a long weekend comes up,” Blackman said, slurring his speech slightly. “I expect literally thousands of calls tonight. Everyone wants to talk to friends and family when they’re drunk.”
When pressed by one reporter on whether he had initiated the drunk-dialing phenomena surging across the country and threatening to spill over into other parts of the world, Blackman was initially tight-lipped. But, he finally admitted, “I’ve certainly made a few drunk-dialing calls in my day. But, make no mistake. I didn’t start this.”
He attributed the rise in popularity also to the new PhD Drunk-Dialing program recently launched by the DDAHL. “Don’t forget, 101 isn’t the only course we offer. We have Intermediate and Advanced Drunk-Dialing, both pre-requisites for the PhD program, which is being launched this September.”
“We are currently working with The University of British Columbia to get full accreditation for the graduate program,” Blackman added.
“But I do wanna say one thing,” he said. “I would like to, here and now, congratulate all the drunk-dialers on their fine achievements. We are working around the clock to get all the Certificates of Achievement printed and mailed to participants. If yours hasn’t arrived yet, please be patient. You’ll get it soon. Failing that you can always drunk-dial the Academy and, with the proper profanity, get it delivered earlier. That is provided we can understand your call.”
“It’s important to understand the social significance of drunk-dialing,” Blackman said. “I’ve heard many of the stories first-hand. One caller found his soulmate through a rather shit-faced call, the other told an unruly boss at three in the morning to go take a flying fuck, yet another started a movement toward world peace. The success stories go on and on. Have you heard the Ballad of Betty Baked? How a single mother found financial success through drunk-dialing? What about The Legend of Frankie Fried? How a 99-year-old drunk-dialer changed the world forever. This isn’t just bunk. This is serious shit.”
When pressed about the updated curriculum for the Intermediate Drunk-Dialing (IDD), Blackman was quick to point out, although still slurring slightly, that the revised course material will be posted world-wide for all to see in just a few short weeks. However, he did reveal a few highlights:
*The Hidden Truth About Drunk-Dialing: Why doctors refuse to extoll its health benefits.
*Best-Kept Drunk-Dialing Secrets Finally Revealed.
*How Little Gordy Gooned Drunk-Dialed His Way to the Top of a Fortune 500 Company.
*The Hidden Co-relation Between Drunk-Dialing and Algebra.
*The Plumber’s Handbook to Drunk-Dialing: Remove and Replace a Toilet While Drunk-Dialing.
*Navigating Social Media Shit-faced.
*The Importance of Drunk-Dialing and Homeland Security.
*Actual Recordings of Drunk-Dialers: Why it’s Never Important What You Say As Long As You Make the Call.
*A Tale of Two Drunk-Dialers: Harry Hammered Waxes Poetic on Drunk-Dialing.
Professor Blackman dismissed many questions about whether he was indeed pie-eyed at the crowded press conference, which even featured famous CNN journalist Anderson Cooper. Instead, he touted the new line of merchandise being developed by DDAHL in conjunction with FU Designz.
“Just go on Facebook and search FU Designz,” he said. “And see for yourself how popular drunk-dialing has become. We’re developing a full line of merchandise including coffee mugs, for that hungover morning after, to eye-catching t-shirts that I’m sure the whole family will enjoy. Go buy a fucking t-shirt, why don’t ya?”
“Now leave me the hell alone,” he said, staggering up the steps while reaching into a jacket pocket for a bottle of what appeared to be Brugal White Rum from the Dominican Republic.
Later that evening, Blackman emailed reporters, apologizing for his abrupt manner, claiming he had been overwhelmed by the sheer volume of calls recently.